Gold Chains Says Treat Your Lady's Coochie Like a Maze

Who's Gold Chains? He's the punkest rock MC. He's comin' atcha from San Francisco to rock your rainbow socks.

His new album, Young Miss America, is a slice of ghetto-tech sleazy fabulousness. It's the stompiest, danciest, dirtiest funnest record of 2003. And 2004 too, goddammit!

He talks in a deep throaty voice, with a thick lisp. His hair is short, he wears thick black-framed glasses, and when he talks, he leans towards you and his eyes gleam in a naughty way...

The press lady wants to stress that he's all about the music: the gut-throttling rhythms and the jiggly offset bass and the bleeps and the tweaks, and of course he is. But he's also all about the rumpty.

AMP Minizine is proud to present, as a gift to all you boytoys, bicurios, and ladies who lunch, The Gold Chains Guide to Treating Your Lady's Coochie Like A Maze. Chow down on this, hookers...

1) Making Out

Start out with the kisses. Give it 10 minutes, just making out, caressing. Work your way down really slowly. Don't grab the tits or squeeze them yet. Just use your tongue on the nipples - make circles around the nipples...

2) Working Around the Coochie
Now work your way down, around the belly-button, around the coochie, and work the thighs, the perineum, and around the whole coochie maybe for another five minutes, without touching the coochie itself. Never put your finger in her until after she comes, and you're ready to fuck. Because otherwise it's gonna be distracting and you're gonna break the build. That's the thing. When you're trying to get her turned on, you don't wanna start sticking your finger in her, if getting her off is your plan...

3) Keeping it Constant

Once you get down there, do long licks, and strokes up the whole thing, nice gentle ones, and then either she pulls it open, or you pull it, and whatever you do, you don't want to go too hard at first. Start off lightly, with maybe circles, around the outside. Always go in the same direction. You don't wanna go in one direction and then change direction. Keep it constant.

4) Doing Figure Eights, Circles, Cubes, Whatever

The biggest key, is, whatever you're deciding to do, whether it's figure eights, or circles, or cubes, or just lines up and down, you wanna do it... Keep it constant, and give her something to ground onto, and you'll be able to tell, as you go along, how she's responding. A lot of times I think people go too hard, and try and attack it.

Image: Greg Neale

4) Making The Commitment

You have to make the commitment that you wanna be down there, and you're gonna be down there for five hours if that's what it takes. Because if a girl don't like it, she'll ask you to stop. I would say, that's a place to start, and the rest really takes care of itself. Try it. It works!

Nada Surf is out on Pias in April 2003


A L S O  O N  S L E A Z E

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The Gold Chains Guide to Treating Your Lady's Coochie Like A Maze
Learn from the master, peasants!

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Drugs are Nice

"Cocaine* can be a sexual mentor and a sublime electrician, bringing the lights of Broadway to women who have spent years in frigid darkness."
Natalie Angier, Woman: An Intimate Geography

*actually, the word she used was 'marijuana', but dope's for lo$ers, kidz!