thumbs up recently published its Seven Highly Effective Habits of Successful Freelancers.

It’s a great piece and if you’re already a good freelancer you’ll be doing most of these instinctively *blows on nails, rubs them on lapel, looks modestly at ground*. However, the piece fails to mention a few other habits of successful freelancers, so we thought we’d go into them here.

AMP minizine is proud to present:


In order to succeed, today’s freelance creatives need to:

1) Maintain a fresh, innocent, joyous outlook
In order to be a successful freelancer, you will need a combination of optimism, joi de vivre, a wing, and a prayer. The best freelancers of all are trust fund babies, for to them, it is no matter whether the client pays within 30 days, a month after the magazine’s publication date in three months' time, or when swathes of pork-pie bearing Muslims turn up pole-dancing their way through a frozen hell. People who actually expect to make a living from freelancing, however, will need to work at maintaining their belief in that holy grail of freelance lore- the existence of a client who pays in full and on time.

2) Cultivate a high sex drive
…because you will be wanking for coins down by the docks more often than you care to mention. (‘Wanking for coins down by the docks’ is a phrase utilised by the estimable Mr Joel Morris, creator of the comedy site The Framley Examiner, when we worked together at It is what freelancers do when, despite maintaining a fresh, innocent, joyous outlook (as per no 1 above), they are still, amazingly, left without pay and / or between contracts and are driven to increasing acts of desperation in order to pay the rent.


3) Emote, emote, emote
It is unclear as to whether tears are effective on the Accounts departments of most London music and lifestyle magazines, as every time our research analysts tried to reach them in order to perform a survey as to the effectiveness of said method, they were either:

- Unobtainable

- In a meeting

- Out of the office

- Had never received it and it was still with Matt the acting editor and there was simply no point in contacting them about it at this stage alright?

However, tears, screams, suicide threats and sit-ins have not yet been shown to cause any harm to your chances of actually getting your cheque, so by all means be prepared to ramp up the waterworks whenever necessary.

4) Be gullible
“The cheque’s in the post’

5) Be naïve
“Of course five pence a word is a reasonable rate for the style mag market! You’re very lucky to be considered for this assignment at all."

6) Display stunning levels of sheer, goose-eyed stupidity

"Don’t be ridiculous: the magazine isn’t going to fold next week owing its contributors hundred and hundreds of pounds! It’s 5000 words and the deadline is tomorrow– get to it!"


7) Retain a sense of perspective
The 9-5 world will always have you back, you know. It’s like an abused wife who pretends she doesn’t like it but secretly can’t get enough of her husband’s schtick. No matter how renegade you go, how far you run, how crazy and disjointed you make your CV – the 9-5 world will be all ‘OMGZ U R SO HOTT’ the second you turn back to its familiar embrace. So don’t sweat it.

Freelancers: you can walk out, but you can never leave.


N.B – here is an example of the phrase ‘wanking for coins down by the docks’ in action, in the piece ‘Are You In A Doomed’ Hilariously, despite being written in the year 2000, mere seconds before the ‘1.0’ web bubble burst, everything in this piece rings frighteningly true today, as we joyously surf wave number 2.0. But that's a whole 'nother story…

A L S O  O N  S L E A Z E

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The Gold Chains Guide to Treating Your Lady's Coochie Like A Maze
Learn from the master, peasants!

The Sleaziest Thing I Have Ever Done
Heathy Lee Roth of Gravy Train!!! gets very, very nasty indeed.

A Eunuch - the Ideal Man?
Got so much dick he don't need no balls.

The Ugly Guy
Suki Kent on the lust that dare not speak its name.

Drugs are Nice

"Cocaine* can be a sexual mentor and a sublime electrician, bringing the lights of Broadway to women who have spent years in frigid darkness."
Natalie Angier, Woman: An Intimate Geography

*actually, the word she used was 'marijuana', but dope's for lo$ers, kidz!