Sugababes (cont) - page 2 of 2

sugababes taller in more ways album cover image



2.1: ‘Morrissey once wrote a song called ‘We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful’. Do you feel there’s an element of competition to most female friendships?’

(This is Heidi’s chance to confess what giant bitches they are to her while pretending to discuss ‘female friendships’ in an abstract, distant manner. [The other two will absolutely not notice if it is in the abstract you see, so she is safe to make the confession]).

2.2: ‘Mutya, your little girl is called Maya. What is behind this choice of name. Do you feel a deep affinity for the Mayan people?’

(This is Mutya’s chance to admit that yes, she has long been obsessed with the Mayans, finding their cruel practice of long, drawn-out games ending in the ritual sacrifice of the losers to be a particular area of appeal.)

2.3: ‘What’s the cruellest act you’ve ever committed’?

(This is the chance for Mutya and Keisha to go ‘Well, I think it was that time that we drove our poor vulnerable bandmate Siobhan to a nervous breakdown and then proceeded to do the same to her replacement, don’t you, dear?)

I’m so clever! Unfortunately, the answers are as follows:






2.1: (competition / female friendships) Heidi: “Yes, some people have been a little bit mean since all the success. But then, if they’re going to be mean, they weren’t really your friends anyway, were they?”

2.2. (deep affinity with mayan people) Mutya: “Eh? No, I just named her after my dead baby sister. And I just really liked the name. And it was handy, because I already have this tattoo of the name ‘Maya’, so if I ever forget my kid’s name, I just peep at this, and it reminds me.”

2.3. (cruellest act) Keisha: ‘I once put some toothpaste all around a girl’s mouth at a sleepover while she was asleep. I also killed a spider with boiling water.” Mutya: “I once watched my pit bull terrier get a cranefly and eat it for a bit and then spit it out and then eat it again, and I laughed”.

Heidi: “I do get a little bit mean sometimes when I’m premenstrual. I also misheard a compliment someone gave me in the street once and swore at them. When it was pointed out the person had actually said a nice thing, I felt so bad I had to say an Act of Contrition.”



Ok, getting worried now, and time is running out. Where is our definitive answer to Sugababes: Are They Bitches? It must be time for:

Tactic #3: Just Watch Them Really Quietly Until They Do Or Say Something Which Reveals That Yes, They Definitely Are Bitches, Uh-Huh, Absolutely

Our interview covers these topics:

  • what pisses them off about London [nothing, apparently, not even the weather]

  • where do they go out in London [just the local pub these days]

  • what’s the best way to stop your boyfriend checking out other girls all the time like Heidi’s MTV presenter boyfriend allegedly does [it’s ok for them to look, but not touch]

  • what’s it like giving birth is it like a really really massive period or what [yes, like a period pain but 100 times worse, and like all your insides are being torn open])

Sadly, these fail to reveal any bitchiness whatsoever, and is then cut short. But, as some kind of consolation prize, I am granted permission to travel with the girls in the car to the photoshoot. It’s the perfect opportunity to deploy the Go Really Quiet And Just Watch Until They Do Something Bitchy tactic, and I am not disappointed!


As we drive off, Heidi spots a blonde girl heading out of the studios.

“Look, it’s Jenny Frost.”

Mutya looks up from her copy of Heat. “Run her over”, she mutters.

“Reverse! Reverse!” implores Keisha. “I wish this was my car. I would have swerved, and then straightened up. I swear.”

I glance at the woman on the other side of the darkened glass. Paydirt! Bitchiness! Death threats! “Who’s Jenny Frost?” I ask.

Mutya kisses her teeth and goes back to the magazine. Heidi says nothing. Keisha looks out of her window.

“No one,” she says, dismissively. “Just some girl from school.”

Back home, I google Jenny Frost. Some girl from school my ASS. She’s one of Atomic Kitten. Hah! Sugababes: Are They Bitches definitively answered once and for all!

I am chilled to my very core. I glance up, and catch sight of my reflection in the window. I had red hair this morning. And then I met the Sugababes.


ps - obviously this was done before Mutya left, the bastard. never mind!

page 2 of 2
back >>>





Straight-talking grime MC Shystie on the importance of dick size and representing her ladies

Cat Power Takes Off Bra, Gets Into Bed

Question: can a feminista chica dig on booty bass and still look at herself in the morning?

The Gold Chains Guide to Treating Your Lady's Coochie Like A Maze Learn from the master, peasants!

Corn Mo Makes a Story from My Email Inbox Subject Headings

Angie Reed Presents Barbara Brockhaus:
Barbara Brockhaus is a saucy secretary who makes very good electro-karaoke records.

Rekkid Reviews:
Zeigenbock Kopf, Numbers, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Maximilian Hecker, The Darkness. Guess which is the odd one out because it sucks SO HARD!!!??!!??!!

wHy i h8 nU mEtAl tEeNz, bY mIsS aMp

Death to those with pink hair and massive strides and self-inflicted scarz!

Miss AMP gets overly excited by a big hairy Jewish rapper.

The Runaways

Riffs! Eyeliner! Oestrogen! Joe Pop on the greatest girl-group EVA!


Whilst tripping off his tits at 3am, Brian Wilson bought a telescope shop, because it pissed him off that there were no telescope shops open at that time of night. Rrriight.