wHy i h8 nU mEtAl tEenZ (bY mIsS aMp)

Thank fuck I'm not a teenager. Were I a teenager, I would have to look at other teenagers, something I prefer not to do. Teenagers sport tiny gold earrings and wear tracksuits. Their hair is always blonde, and they have greasy ponytails and fringes thick with Sun-Inned highlights.

Teenagers have blackheads on their lips, which pucker and pout as they dispense teen wisdom laced with idiosyncratic idioms: trapping, chavs, kappa slappers, pikeys.

I'm supposed to be jealous of teenagers. Even the esteemed editor of this magazine* expressed his disappointment at my yearage. 'What are you, like, 19?' he asked me down the phone, and luckily the handset pressed against my lips prevented me from making my scowl audible.

Teenagers don't make fanzines about bizarre menstrual devices and learning to pee standing up, darling. Teenagers make fanzines about hating themselves, about the size of their arses, the length of their self-inflicted scars; about being in thrall to ten-years-ago riot grrls and Feminism with a capital Feh. Yawn-o-frickin-rama, fuckerz. Been there, done that: up the ass, sideways, and backwards with a lipstick ring drawn around the orifice.

But thoughtless, mainstream high-school horndogz and lumpen, angst-ridden suburban teenzine editrixes aside, there is one group of teens for whom special disdain should be reserved. It is for these teens that one should rehearse the sneer of one's upper lip, flexing and stretching till a curl of Billy Idol proportions is acquired.

It is for these teens that one must practice cutting one's eyes, folding one's lids so closely and hatefully together that one gazes through a spidermesh of intertwined lashes. It is for these teens that one must learn to kiss one's teeth inna South London stylee, sucking saliva harshly and juicily through the molars so that those in close proximity are in no doubt as to the levels of your disdain. Nu Metal Teens.

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May 2003 Rekkid Reviews:
Zeigenbock Kopf, Numbers, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Maximilian Hecker, The Darkness. Guess which is the odd one out because it sucks SO HARD!!!??!!??!! Plus! WIN THE YEAH YEAH YEAHS ALBUM!

wHy i h8 nU mEtAl tEeNz, bY mIsS aMp

Death to those with pink hair and massive strides and self-inflicted scarz!

Miss AMP gets overly excited by a big hairy Jewish rapper.

The Gold Chains Guide to Treating Your Lady's Coochie Like A Maze Learn from the master, peasants!

Le Tigre: They're Grrrrrrrrreat!
No drummer, just a dat, some samples, and three kick-ass muscians /art activists. Yay!

Reviews: Things That Do Not Suck
Magazines beginning with the letter 'C'.

Saf Sees Iggy
Saf checks out an exhibition of Iggy Pop pictures at the Scala club in London

Ten Benson
Suki gets a boner under heavy riffage.

The Runaways

Riffs! Eyeliner! Oestrogen! Joe Pop on the greatest girl-group EVA!


Whilst tripping off his tits at 3am, Brian Wilson bought a telescope shop, because it pissed him off that there were no telescope shops open at that time of night. Rrriight.